Reality of it All

It's pretty bad... Some of the things you have to go through to realize who you can and can't trust. And who truely means the most to you because you keep giving them more and more chances to hurt you even though you know you shouldn't put your heart through that sort of ache. I've been through a lot in the last couple of years or so and as many people who actually know me may have noticed.. I've changed a lot. I've learned a lot. Most of which I'm not proud of knowing but glad I do at the same time because I've woken up to reality and am more aware of who and how people really truley are. That nothing's ever perfect, nothing ever will be. Not only because everybodies definition of perfect is different, but because the real world is much harsher and makes perfection non-exsistant. Because of me coming so in to reality I don't have that many friends any more because I was showed how untrustworthly most people are. That you really are lucky to have two or three good friends who don't lie to you, unless it means you not getting hurt in the worst possible way and makes it them trying to protect you, who don't betray you, don't talk behind your back in a bad way, who trust you enough to share their secrets with you, letting you know that you can do the same. I've found so many people I thought were that way and realized they were the opposite.. and in the turn of things.. found people I wasn't sure I could trust before and found them to be some of the best friends I could ever have. Life always seems to have those little tweeks.

The Dreams

I had been told that with pregnancy often comes strange dreams. Well as some of you may have heard me say before I basically never remember my dreams.. but I can recall a few very weird dreams I've had within the last three or four months. One of them was about an old crazy woman trying to kill me with her dentures. The most recent one was two nights ago. I remember somebody trying to kill me in this one too, not being able to see his face, having run outside to do something before he had a chance to get to me and then run back inside where it had previously been bright but now all the lights were shut off. I walked back to the room I came out of and stood next to the other two people I was with and looked down to the wooden rocking chair next to the window off to my right... i seen a faint light color in the chair and instantly knew it was the guy trying to kill me. The lights all of sudden burst back on and it was my uncle butch sitting with a baby doll in his lap. And thats when I woke up. Was weird cause my uncle butch has been dead for over a year now and he was so real and so there in my dream. And why was he the one trying to kill me?

One of the First

The night before last the baby got to hear her very first thunder storm. And let me tell you.. it definately didn't seem like she liked it very much. :p She was kickin and moving around so much it was making me uncomfortable.
Was interesting heading to town today. The last couple days it had been raining quit a bit and with the ground having been frozen lately not much was getting sucked into the ground and some of the roads were flooding. When we headed across the bridge today the lake was almost to the top of it, which would be about a foot higher than normal, about. And then we came to a wrote that was still completely covered. I sure wish I had taken my camera with me cause that was something I've never seen before.

Things They Dont Normally Tell You

Pregnancy is an experience that most people, girls/women anyway, are usually told about. But its not until you're actually pregnant and going through it when you find out what nobody mentioned before. They'll mention aches and pains from both you and the baby growing and the baby beginning to move around. What they never mentioned was getting a belly pain once in awhile when the baby is grasping and pulling on the umbilical cord, how dehydrated you can get, or how many ways your water can break before it should. So the experience has definately been a real learning process. Learning what you cant eat and what you should be eating more of and why. Learning how in just a few weeks your baby has changed. Learning that now she knows mine and Jason's voice because she can hear things, and that sometimes sudden noices can scare her and I feel her 'jump'

Greatest Fear

For the longest time now drowning has been my biggest fear. But that was until I got thinking about things a realized that I now face a much bigger fear. My Greatest fear. Having and Raising a child. Im sure people I know have gone through or are going through this. Because I do plan on eventually having a family. Im just scared of so many things but I assume its only natural *lol*
Growing up the way I did.. I basically grew up to fast. Never had much of an imagination at all cause I was to busy taking everything serious because I was thinkin beyond my years instead of not worry about things and just being a kid. I dont want my kids to be like that. I want them to grow up and have such a big imagination! So big that not even they know what to do with it! I dont want them to grow up to fast and start learning and experiencing things earlier than they should be. Its not fun.
There's so many things to worry about when it comes to having a family. And if or when I have a child I would have no idea what to really do with them. Ive handled with a niece and nephew and cousins as babies but I'm really not sure how to handle them or how to really play with them or anything. And as they're growing and they begin to get older there's that constant question of if you think you're raising them right, at least to what you beleive would be right.
So many fears of doing so many things wrong or not sure how to handle certain things or certain situations. Or knowing when you're actually ready to start a family, if you ever are. I dont think you can every be fully prepared to have a family. You always have to expect the unexpected *lol* I'm not looking to have kids til Im in my twenties. Til I've finished college and started some sort of work in photography already.
I guess this comes up from something a seen a few days back that just broke back some things I wish never would have happened and that I dont wanna do to my children when I have them. I know I have a bad temper and I dont ever wanna take it out on them. Id rather die. I think thats probably my real fear right there. Hurting a loved one like that. Tears me up inside.

I Miss...

Since being in Grayling last weekend and seeing my entire original class graduate without me Ive been thinking about some things. Things that I miss... Things I miss from the past or things Ive missed out on already that I had been looking forward to.
I am now never going to know what it feels like to graduate with everybody Ive known since the first time I ever stepped foot into a class room.. With people Ive been around for over twelve years. Im gonna be finishing high school at a school where I, at first.. dont no anybody at all... been then will be graduation with a bunch of people I barely know.. so leaving there wont be a problem for me, its not something Im going to miss. I miss going to school in Grayling. Everything there is so familiar to me. Im not gonna get the experience of graduating from a school where so many people know me and where Im actually going to be missed.
I miss being in school and taking advantage of spirit week.. at the time I wasnt that comfortable with things and I didnt enjoy life and how things were always going, I wasnt a very happy person. Ive learned to just make the best out of things as they come along, no matter how bad everything else may seem. Do what makes you happy and dont worry about what other people want.. I didnt think that way when I was still in high school and so I never took advantage of those chances while they were before me. I never got into sports, talent shows, spirit week. I would now if I had the chance but I dont.
I miss being so young and care free like most of us were in second grade. Nobody really cared who was friends with who, popularity didnt play a role in anything and we had so much fun doing just about anything. Maturity was no factor back then either, where now adays it is because as we all get older we come to understand more things and you can either choose to be grown up about it or be childish about it and people judge for that.
I miss when me and heather we kids and it seemed like we spent every other night at each others houses and just having a ball. Just about everybody had and still has a friend like that that they did or do just about any and everything with. Well that was us. As we both got older things happened, some things seperated us for a bit but we're back to where we were. Things get harder as you get older cause there are so many other things we have to worry about, like work, where we're gonna live, finishing school, all sorts of things. As a child you dont have to worry about any of those things because your parents are there doing that for you.
I miss seeing the family and doing things like we used to. Like having three different christmas's, spending summer vacations with your cousin and not having to do anything but just be kids and have fun.

To Previous Blog: He Died

For those of you who read the previous blog I found out today that the man who was hit outside of Deano's that night died. Jason and I were in a small store/gas station today and I noticed a jar sitting on the counter asking for donations to help pay for a man's funeral. I just looked it up in the local online paper and sure enough it was the guy that got hit that night. He died two days later.. on the 26th. Only 49 years old. Unfortunately for his family he did not have insurance so his parents are asking for donations to help pay for the funeral and everything. So sad =[ Another twist to that story is a day later, on the 27th, the owner of Deano's died at the age of 82 after a long battle with Alzheimer's disease. For the full stories, the link are provided below:
Calvin Lee (accident victim) - http://www.mlive.com/news/chronicle/index.ssf?/base/news-11/1175181391131920.xml&coll=8
Dean Masterson (Deano's owner) - http://www.mlive.com/news/chronicle/index.ssf?/base/news-11/117500492561340.xml&coll=8